Chapter 6

After only a few days we decided our daughter’s fate. She couldn’t live a life filled with pain and confusion. There was no hope in changing her health. We decided to let her go peacefully. I would like to say we only did it for her but we had to do it for us too. We wouldn’t be able to live with ourselves knowing our daughter couldn’t eat, breathe, or see on her own. So the nurses moved us into a quite room. Lily was placed in a real hospital bed so we could lay with her. She only had medicine for her pain, no tubes, no breathing machine. I remember her fits. She would wake up from the morphine and struggle. I remember it sounding like someone screaming but muffled.

As the days passed we washed her hair, laid with her, read to her, watched tv. Our families came and visited with her to say their goodbyes. I hated these two weeks. Just waiting for my daughter to die. I remember the day so clearly, I hate that I do, but it is the last one I have of Lily.

We went to bed, Koty laid on the separate bed and I slept with Lily. I remember pretending to be asleep when multiple nurses came in to check on her. They turned off her monitors so we wouldn’t be disturbed. I clenched my fists hoping that she wasn’t dying. The nurse got my attention and she said Lily is not breathing anymore Sarah I am so sorry. I yelled for Koty. The doctor came in and pronounced her dead. I don’t remember the time but it was July 21, 2018. The day that I will hate forever.

I yelled, I cried, and begged to bring her back. I held her body. It was limp and cold. She was so heavy in my arms. I kissed and hugged her and begged for her to come back to me. I almost threw up. Koty picked her up and hugged her for one last hug. The image of my husband holding my lifeless daughter will be a memory I wish I didn’t have. We stayed with her for a couple of hours. I couldn’t even think about leaving her but I knew we had to. I kissed and hugged her as much as I could. I begged not to leave. We walked out of the hospital room and I ran back. I couldn’t do it. But eventually I did.

I said goodbye to my daughter. I begged for her to forgive me and I told her I loved her. We walked out of that hospital without our daughter. We walked out and we were never the same again. I felt gut wrenching pain. I felt the kind of pain you can’t describe. It isn’t the same as losing a parent or a spouse. It is not a pain I wish upon anyone.

Sometimes I wish we could go back to who we were before we lost Lily. Of course I wish she was still here. Losing Lily unfortunately, reminds me to be kind to others. She reminds me I am a mom and I always will be. She reminds me to love and care for myself. She reminds me that I am never alone. She gave me the courage to go back to college and mend my marriage. She is with me everyday. Not the way I ever would have wanted, but I am at peace knowing my baby is looking down on her mom and dad. She is proud of how far we have come and she will always be the one to push us to follow our dreams and always remember how short this life is. I will follow up with a couple of chapters after this one. I appreciate those who have taken the time to read and learn my truth. My life isn’t easy and not one I would have chosen for myself or anyone. But throughout my traumatic experience I found something no one can take away from me. Endless love. Thank you Lily. I will endlessly love you and I will never forget your beautiful soul.

One thought on “Chapter 6

  1. Neither will I …as I believe she taught us all so very much in the short time we were blessed to have her !!! I’m so proud of you for opening your heart well more so your soul and sharing your truth with us all !!! You are a brave momma and a momma I know my pumpkin is so very very proud of !!!! We love you and
    we love her ….always always forever and ever!!!!

    Like

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