Chapter 3

So here we were in the hospital. A chubby cheeked blue eyed baby swaddled in her hospital blanket, and a new mom and dad. All of my fears of becoming a mom just left my body as soon as she was born. Other than breast feeding my motherly instinct just came naturally lol.

As soon as we got home our lives felt so different but so familiar at the same time. I started to experience sleepless nights as a mom. Pumping breast milk every two hours and waking up to feed Lily. Changing diaper after diaper. And sweatpants and t shirts became my new wardrobe. I was so tired. I hated my body. I hated missing out. But I still loved being a mom. I loved kissing her cheeks and talking to my new baby even though she couldn’t understand me. I loved watching her sleep. Koty would come home from work and hold her and feed her. This was our routine until I went back to work.

My 6 weeks with Lily was over quickly and I actually was okay to go back to work. Koty and I worked opposite shifts so one of us was always with Lily. But soon our stress free “easy” relationship ended. Koty and I would argue over the house being dirty. We would argue about who could get a night off. We would argue about issues I wish we hadn’t. Looking back sometimes I think “Damn why were we so ungrateful” “We should have just been happy our baby was here instead of arguing about who would get a night with friends.” I know it didn’t mean we didn’t love our daughter but when someone passes away we tend to think about every single detail of the past.

I was thinking about writing the details of my life from the time Lily was born until she was two. But that would be an insanely long blog lol. During the next two years Koty and I both could not seem to figure out our relationship and parenthood. Everything looked perfect on the outside but on the inside it wasn’t. I struggled with my body image. I was constantly tired from my job. Koty was too. Koty was suffering through his own personal battles. Trying to find his passion in life and being a dad and husband at the same time. We had financial burdens from making young dumb decisions. When I put all of these issues together I always end up blaming us for what happened to Lily. “Well if we didn’t pay for a wedding we couldn’t have afforded Lily would still be here” “If we had just invested in our own mental health then Lily would still be here.” I know that none of that is true, but as a parent how can you not blame yourself?

During those two years I know the positives outweigh our negatives. Lily and I experienced Montana together, Koty and I took her to her first aquarium and zoo experience, Lily got to see the sea lions at pier 39 in San Francisco when she was 11 months old. She learned how to walk right in front of me, we got to take her to the play ground and put her in a swing, she was able to dip her toes at the beach in Florida. She went to a few hockey games and got her own puck from one of the hockey players on Kotys favorite team. She experienced so much and more. And regardless of the issues Koty and I had, or the struggle to be happy when we just couldn’t because of depression, anxiety, stress and ect. the three of us had a pretty great life together. Then once we moved to Montana it changed in an instant.

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