Before I begin my story I want to begin with this:
Grief is an indescribable feeling. I can’t explain the physical, emotional, and mental pain that it can do to a human being. For example, once I finally had gone back to work, there would be days when nothing was out of the ordinary, nothing “triggered” me I would just start crying out of no where. I felt the pain rush through my entire body. “No” I thought, “this can’t be real.” “My daughter is still here she has to be.” “Why did this happen?” Sometimes I couldn’t stop. I’ve gotten comments like “she shouldn’t keep doing that at work.” Why does grief have to be so private? Why do I, someone who has lost their child have to worry about making others uncomfortable with my emotions?
My story begins in 2014, I was 19 years old working as a server. I dropped out of college after my freshman year ended that spring. I didn’t have the motivation to keep going to school, so I decided to work and save my money. I met my now husband Koty where we worked. I stopped him in the parking lot one night and we shortly started dating after.
Soon after we began dating in September, I started staying at his apartment more frequently. My mom and I did not always get along, and I was honestly searching for a way to leave the second the opportunity came, whether it was subconscious or not. I just wanted to be on my own. I moved in with Koty pretty quickly. I never really asked him, and he never really offered. It just happened. But we were your typical young couple maybe not always responsible but we both made good choices…for the most part lol.
We never really talked to one another about having or wanting children, that was probably the last thing on our minds. In April 2015, only 7 months of dating we found out I was pregnant. I was scared, angry, and sad. I know he was too but he was pretty great at holding back his true feelings for my sake. We instantly made the best decision for us and decided to have our baby, and move into a new apartment together.
For the most part our friends and family were happy. But I know some were disappointed in us. If I’m being honest at the time we were kinda disappointed in ourselves. We eventually became excited and loved the idea of having a baby. Looking back now I feel like I was robbed my first pregnancy “experience”. I wasn’t married and the pressure to get married was on. It was not something I truly wanted, we had barely dated a year. Yet I started pressuring him to ask the question. I just thought it would make our lives seem “put together” I mean it was the “right” thing to do…… right? We had comments made to us about how young we were and how we couldn’t make it. I might have acted like I didn’t mind at the time everyone giving me their opinions or advice but I did and I still think about them at times. I never asked anyone for advice or their comments but for some reason since I didn’t plan to have my child and I wasn’t married then I guess I needed it? I don’t want to tell the “woe is me” story. Because I hate those stories. But this is my truth. I honestly believe Koty and I were too young to get married regardless of us having a child together. I know that there were people just trying to help. And I know there were some that were upset with us too. I just wish I had a backbone back then. I wish I didn’t feed into the ideas of others and sometimes I think to myself if I hadn’t then maybe I wouldn’t have lost my daughter.
So Koty and I waited for our baby to arrive. We don’t have a beautiful story to tell about how we decided on the name Lily. But I know somehow she was destined to have her name. My due date was December 16th, 2015. But she arrived early, on December 13th at 8:21 pm. It was only Koty and myself in the room when Lily was born. We didn’t have our moms, or a photographer. It is a memory I will never forget. I was 20 years old and I instantly experienced true love as soon as she was given to me. I could see it in Koty’s eyes too. It was now the three of us..it still is.